It has been exactly three months now. How are you? How are things going on? Are you happy? These are just the three of the million questions I badly want to ask you personally but this is the nearest I could ever be. Thousands of kilometers away from you, in my room, alone.
I won't be able to send you this letter and you won't be able to read this but I'm making this because tomorrow is your birthday and I still think of you. I badly want to know how months without me has been. Are you happy now? Are you even satisfied? Is everything worth it? I hope it is. I hope you are genuinely happy. I hope things are working out for you and the odds are in your favor.
If ever there's that one in a million chance you're wondering how I am and how I've been, I want to let you know that I'm okay. But three months without you has been a pure struggle. For the past months, I made drastic changes, enormous changes that I thought I couldn't make. Thanks to the people who picked me up when you left me at rock bottom. I'm still not fully over you. And if you ask me, I know deep inside, I'm still far from over you. Don't worry though, it's my choice to stay even after you left. You see, I'm the girl who stayed.
I still wonder if you are okay. If you're still suffering daily from your poor eyesight. If you still take your vitamins on time. If you're drinking lots of water without someone to remind you or if you're getting enough sleep despite of your busy schedule. Are you coping well with the big changes in your life right now? I genuinely hope you are okay. I can see that you are working on a better version of you and I hope you're proud because I am, my love. You are now enjoying the world beneath your sight.
Many times in the past month, I tried my best not to think of you, not to stalk your social media accounts, not to check if you uploaded a new pictures on your facebook account, and not to re-read your old text messages. But you know what? Every time I make baby steps, it all comes right back to me and I can't do anything but continue to try and make those baby steps work because you left me with no choice.
I still miss you. I miss the way you show how much your cared for me. I miss the way you're expressing your love in your own little ways. I miss your voice. I miss the whole you. Actually, I miss everything about you, E. But a New Year is coming up and I know I can do this without you, without our dreams, without us but some part of me still hope that you'll eventually coming back home to me. Crazy, I know. When will waiting be worth it? When will time be right for us? How does distance makes it so hard for you and me to reach for each other's hands, to hold me in your arms, and to kiss me good morning and good night?
Even though you hurt me, I still want to thank you. Thank you for the memories, good and bad, and like what I'm always saying I'll be forever grateful for that. For now, let's just grow individually and maybe, just maybe, if the right time comes and we find our way back to each other, I'll prove to you that this girl, whose writing a letter for you, could be the best person you'll ever have in your life.
If it's going to happen, it'll happen, right? Until then, I'll wait for God's right timing. I'll wait for my hopes to come true. I'll wait for that happy ending love story with you. I'll wait for you. I'll wait for us. I'll wait 'til distance gives way. I'll be patient. I'll be patient because I'm more than sure that I want to spend my life with you. Happy Birthday, E!

I hear the little boy's heart-felt laugh while his grandfather echoes his worries. A variety of people have passed by and heard this yet surely, they only notice the ragged clothes, worn out bag, and a bottle of water and not the great irony that sets before them.  He wears a smile upon his wrinkled face, like it somehow irons the whole. Ah, yes, the great irony: "the worst experiences carry the brightest smiles." I can't help but to stare at them because I can't fathom how could they survive a day with the thought of just sitting in the ground and just wait for some good samaritan who will give some foods to survive for a day. I still can't forget the image of a grandfather sitting in the ground with his grandson asking for some coins.

I can�t help but wonder; have they earned enough money to bring home? Would they light up when they knocks down the table with foods because they have earned their dinner, the way I do when eating my favorite food? Or are they the kind of flickering lights that though it opened, closes again? Speaking about their family, I wonder how many daughters he has. I wonder who are the parents of the little boy. I wonder where they live or if they even have a home to begin with. Do the little boy fantasize about unicorns or make his own storybooks as I do? And does he even get his favorite toy like I did when I was at his age? I wonder if the grandfather has dreams for his grandson. Or would their lifestyle call for bigger stars? Would they notice the actuality that the sun sets early and the night is longer at this time of the year like how kids excited for Christmas notice this? Would their Christmas carry the same spirits me and my family has? And I wonder what they would eat tonight, or would they save it for Christmas, now that they have enough money? That, I hope. And his wife and his parents, would they cook or would they use the money to buy outside? Would the food they'll eat tonight taste like home? And would their home have enough space, not for the people inhabiting it, but for the love that creeps within every wall?

I see tens and hundreds of people before me who have stood in the same place I am in yet they just passed by them without the intention of giving some coins. I think they are so much more. Of the tens and hundreds of frowns, of guilty pasts, they are another smile, another clean slate. They are much more. They both excited for Christmas, a grandfather who cooks food that can be distinguished, a cart of colorful toys and a home where love takes more space than the very inhabitants.

They are so much more. He is a grandfather, a father and a husband. He is a young boy who has a bright future in store for him, a dreamer, and they both an owner of a story to read, to tell, and to boast. They are so much more and while typing this, I pray to God the lights may guide them home.

I should stop myself from blogging my feelings and wallowing from pity party, I should, I know, but I just can't help it. Yes, I'm so stubborn and a masochist. I'm fond of adding salt on a newly fresh wound. What can I do anyway? Blogging is one of my ways to deal with my not so good heartbreak.

So here goes nothing. Everything I didn't say part two:

What happened to us? Wasn't I worth holding onto? Am I really easy to leave? Understanding is easy, but acceptance isn't. I know your reason is valid, but it pains me. My heart aches so much I can't help but weep every time you appear in my mind and dreams. I can't accept the fact that the person who completes my everyday is now gone. I was left hanging. I was willing to fight for us, to make it work, to keep you, us, but I didn't know I was alone in the battle. I was still holding on not knowing you had already let go. Now you treat me like a stranger and it hurts to see your life in just a pictures now. Did it even hurt you? Please tell me it did. Because it hurts my heart knowing how easy it was for you to throw it all away. Do you even think about me? Because I do. All the time I do. I still love you. I love you so much. I love to love you and it's breaking me. I'd seriously give up all I have just to have you back here by my side again. I can do it for you but can you do it for me? No. I understand, I need to. But. I just can't stop. I can't unlove you. I can't even hate you for doing this. How can I? Can you just untake this heart?

These days were the darkest of my life. Thanks to God I'm still able to wake up and live my life the way it is without you. It's difficult but I need to get back on track. I know this pain is going to stay with me for a long time because that's how it is. Pain is inevitable and pain demands to be felt. But hey, life goes on and we shouldn't stress over someone who doesn't even think about us. We had the right love at the wrong time. There are things right now that we must put aside first and unfortunately that's love. But someday, in God's time, in His perfect timing, if He wills, I hope our lives cross paths again and maybe give this love a second chance in the right time where I am right for you and you are right for me. Right now, I will keep my distance from you to keep this heart from breaking even more but I will wait for you. I will wait for you because honestly, I don't want anybody else. Maybe someday I read this again and things didn't work out the way I wanted it to, but it's okay. It only means God has a better plan for me, for us. For now, I just want to thank you for being by my side when I needed you most back then. Please, John, take care of yourself and I hope you're enjoying the time of your life now. Thank you for all those wonderful memories we made when I used to call you mine. I love you. I will always do.

November 9, 2015 11:31 pm

There was so much that I wanted to say, so much and yet, I couldn't think of where to start. I realised this was what it always was. A gap that had never quite been bridged. No, it wasn't the distance that separated us. Nor the differences. Rather, it was the silence, the words that were left unsaid, simply because we could not say them.

My head replayed your words over and over again, a thousand times, a million times. Those three words could be repeated over and over like a mantra, and yet, I could never tire of hearing them. No one ever gets tired of hearing them, I guess. I just wish you knew how much I ache for you. I miss you so damned much. I try to close my eyes every night and all I see is your face. I try to forget it but our memories keep on haunting me back. I hear your voice in my head even when the speakers are on. You're everywhere. Not physically but just constantly on my mind, invading my private thoughts and innermost feelings. Once again, I remember your words that broke me and it's ironic considering there's something enigmatic about you. You're so sincere, honest and true to your words that I find it hard to believe that you can emotionally hurt me. Perhaps, we had been so caught up in the moment that we failed to figure out what lay at the end of the road for us. If everything even lay there at all.

Just when I thought I'm on my way of getting used with the pain, it came back again, like a hundred feet wall that crashed right into me obliterating me into smithereens- utterly. Have you ever loved someone so much you thought your heart would explode? Because that's what I'm feeling, my love. I always got a lump in my throat just thinking of you and my chest tightens and I couldn't breathe.   I wonder how much you really broke me.

It's been forty two days since that night and as crazy as it sounds I'm still heartbroken and yet I'm not shy to admit that. You don't get over the person you love that easily, do you?  While I tried my best to put my feelings aside there were times when I found that I couldn't. Some wounds will always hurt. Sorry for being selfish. I couldn't just let you go, not yet. I wished I possessed the control of my heart and could tell it to "be still" and it would. I could no longer say I was strong enough to withstand the explosion, because I wasn't. I never was, I only thought I was.

"Hey," or "Hi." that should've probably been my first word. "Are you okay?" I mean, of course you're grand. Your dreams and priorities are finally coming to life. It's really happening. I just wanted to tell you that I'm so proud of you, my love, because I'm scared that I might never get the chance to say this and this is the only way I know how though I doubt you'll get a chance to read it.

There was nothing more I wanted than to slip into your embrace because I missed you, I missed everything about you. I know that you're happy now and I'm happy for you, too. Really. I've known you to realise how much you valued your goals and priorities and I can't help but to get a little bit envy. You're so sure about what you want in your life and it got me thinking: 'Ako kaya? Kailan ko malalaman kung ano ba talaga ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko?' Someday, I guess.

Right now. I just pray for your safety. That's the least and the best thing I can do for you. I want you to live your life. I want you to enjoy every step of the way. I want you to explore the world beneath your sight. I want you to appreciate all the little things in life. I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to do whatever makes you happy. And lastly, I want you to put God first.

And oh, if you'll ever read this I just want to clarify that I didn't give up on anything. I said nothing, because I didn't want to ruin anything. And now I'm just another puzzle piece in the jigsaw of your past, another fragment of history. I hope that you'll still remember me, though. That once upon a time, you almost loved me. I wasn't completely over it and I wasn't completely over you, heck, I don't even get past the stage one but these things needed time and that's okay. I know I had to let you go eventually, because all good things must come to an end. It was the end of the moment, end of perfection and back to reality. But for the time being I was perfectly fine with the gerunds. I was going to be fine.

So, I guess this is the turning point. The end of the beginning. Be careful always, baby. Talk to you, soon.

November 04, 2015 11:09 pm

Something triggers me to remember him and once again I couldn't breathe. What was I even doing? I should stop myself wallowing from pity party and get my shit together like I always did, but some things you don't just easily forget. So here I am, thinking of everything that I had known to be true and everything that had turned out to be false.

I could still hear his comforting voice clearly in my head they loomed over and over like a broken recorder and each words cut strongly to the heart and it hurt. It hurt in a place that no form of physical torture ever could. His voice kept me anchored during our times but ironically speaking it is also the reason why I'm hurting right now. His words hit me like a tow truck, the impact stinging even after he left.

Right at this very moment, there are so many things I have to say but how could I even say them all?  Sometimes there came a time when you got pushed too far and hurt too much, you just lost all resemblance of rationality. The rollercoaster emotions I had gone through was immense. overwhelming. And I didn't know what to think any more.

When you play with fire, you're bound to get burnt. And I did. I just forgot to wear fireproof gloves. I forgot to keep my heart safe. I can feel my alter ego shaking her head in disappointment. I can hear her voice saying "I told you so. I told you to be careful. I told you he was trouble. I told you he was dangerous, but you never listened." How right she was. I never listened to all the warnings, all the gleaming red flags that cautioned me to stay far far away from him. But during our moments, he used to be my anchored, he used to be the one who docked me at the harbour and made me feel safe.

There was nothing more I wanted than to pull his arms around my waist and slip into his embrace, because I missed him. I missed every bit of him. But the waves were now choppy and while I had craved for his company something had shifted between us. Nothing could ever bridge the vast ocean that separated us. And I pray I could be strong and desperately wished for me to be feisty, independent girl I always read about in novels but I just... wasn't. I will never be her, instead, I was stuck being with me.

I can't helped but to question everything. He, himself, had planted the seed of doubt in my mind and now I was second guessing everything. All that I had been through with him, every words exchange, every memories, every hope.

Maybe they had all been lies. Each and every single one of them. Could you put on such act for someone to make them believe that you cared? How good is someone at playing pretend? How good is someone at faking it? He, perhaps, was far too good for it. And while typing this, I wondered if he felt the same way I did, lost, confused, a feeling of entrapment so strong it was almost crushing.

I felt so productive today! I just finished reading a wattpad story entitled "Breakup Formula". That story was really a thought provoking one, it's as if every chapter has its own way of giving me silver linings and encourage me to take a two steps forward and one step back in another words to move on.

How do we moved on from emotional pain, anyway? Were there really formulas or even tips to forget the pain and accept things with no hard feelings? The thing is emotional pain was something to be felt and it's worst than you could ever imagine. It's messy, hard and toxic to dealt with. I'm still on the long process of figuring how and why I need to keep moving forward.

It's been a hard process for me especially when I see his pictures and see how happy he is already. I thought to myself, "How was he able to move on that fast? Am I being replaced already? And why am I stuck here, grieving about losing him?" I cried every night, or whenever something triggers me to remember him. I tried forgetting everything but you can't really forget someone who gave you so much to remember, right? 

Why do I feel like he's still hurting me even when we're already apart? I don't know if he's aware that I've been through a series of heartbreaks and him, so heartless, had the guts to add to it. I thought he was different but I thought wrong. I'm not mad at him for leaving me because I know that he would, eventually and like what I've said I would never take that against him. That's just how it is and I'm used on people leaving me hanging. I'm just angry because I let myself get hurt by him.  Him, of all people. He's so kind-hearted and amazing. He's a nice guy, actually. He made me believe that something can be real, that something can actually last forever. Even though I'm scared I trusted him. But perhaps, I should've known better.

And now, I had to stop waiting. I had to let go of the fact that he and I will never get back together. That the "us" we had was never meant to last. That he was just another bridge to go through to get to the right one. And I hate it. I hate the story that was made for us. It was better not to have had it than to have had him and lose him.

I believe that some lovers don't end up together for the reason that they don't love each other anymore. It's the circumstances that come along and change the way it should've been because there are things that beyond our control. I still don't know what that circumstance will lead us to be but one thing's for sure though I loved him even before he knew it. I loved him more than he knew. I loved him even after he left. He left me with beautiful memories to treasure but he'd also left me with my heart shattered into pieces. And he left me with the fear of falling in love again. It's horrid but eventually, I'll find my way back. I'm on my way of picking up the shattered pieces and discovering my sources of strength and I won't let the thought of him get in the way. Because in the end, I've realized you're only going to have to be strong for yourself. No one will give a -sorry for the word- shit about you. No one will ask if you're truly okay, maybe your friends or your family are there to cheer you up but the truth is no one will care about your whereabouts but yourself.

I can still feel the grass beneath my feet and it's weird how I wanted it all back.

Isn't it amazing? Isn't it amazing how the clouds overlap the sky and the sky overlap the stars? Isn't it amazing how the clouds form such art and if you'll only pay attention you'll realize that there's more to them than meets the eye?

Whenever I'm feeling down, stressed out or just want some solitude I always look at them (sky and stars) and all my problems and fears will instantly vanished. It's as if they're telling me that everything happens for a reason and I shouldn't waste my time and energy worrying about something I can't change because there's someone up there whose still in control and that is our Almighty God. So, cheer up, enjoy life and do whatever makes you happy! :) Cliche might it sound but life is too short to focus on negative things. ❤

October 30, 2015 12:16 am

It's been 32 days since the last time we talked or should I say that night when he ended up everything and  I'm still sober. I can still remember the night, the moment and the exact time when he said those words that broke me beyond repair. It feels like it just happened yesterday. That night, everything happened too fast I didn't even know how to catch my breath. I got speechless. I still can't believe that he uttered those words and hearing it from him was really... heartbreaking and dissapointing. (As if the word sorry can lessen the pains and disappointments. As If the word sorry can make things alright.)  I'm desperately searching the guy that I used to know, the guy that used to made me smile, the guy that I got attached with, and the guy that I fell in love with behind the depth of those words but I couldn't see him. It's as if he disappears so easily just as he came and it's so saddening. I really didn't see that one coming. I didn't even know how to respond in a logical way. I didn't know what should I say, what should I think and what should I feel. That night I felt... numbed. In the amidst of shattered hopes, broken dreams and aching hearts I managed to say "okay". What should I say anyway? I managed to smile even though I badly wanted to cry. I can't fathom how much it hurts to be disappointed again to the guy whom you thought is the right one. I trusted him blindly. I gave in so easily and it's so silly for me to do that because, perhaps, that's the reason how it's so easy for him to said those words, how it's so easy for him to leave everything behind and how it's so easy for him to left me hanging. I understand his situation, I understand where he's coming from and I would never take that against him but some part of me still find it unfair. He's so unfair. He's my one and only true contradiction. He should've said it from the very beginning so I know where will I stand but he didn't so I left hoping and wanting for more. I wanted to give him an enough reason to stay, was I not enough reason for him to stay? He even said those three words before he left, was that an enough reason for him to stay? 

There are so many questions left unanswered and each passing day I can't help but to hope that someday those questions will be answered. This curiosity is eating me alive. I'm a pessimist and I used to think negatively behind everything and if I'll answer those questions on my own I'll just end up hating him which isn't really fair. I don't want to hate him nor play the victim role because I know I have my fair share of mistakes. Did I give in too much or was I never enough? I wonder. I used to send such long text messages to him because in that way I felt free and I'm so comfortable telling him my thoughts and knowing it'll make him smile is more than enough for me but these days I don't even have the guts to say hi or hey. How ironic. Or maybe because I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore so the initial reaction would be to ignore him, right? He used to made me feel loved and cared but now I feel like I don't know him anymore. It sucks. God knows how much I wanted to talk to him, how much I wanted to fix everything, how much I wanted it all back but I know that he got nothing to do with me anymore so I'll just bury these thoughts alive. I don't know how long will it take for me to move on, I don't even know if I'll ever move on or if I'll love anyone as much as I love this guy. I love him so much that it scares me to open myself up with some other guy in the future because I know at the end of the day he's still the one I'll be looking for. I find it hard to cope but I'm trying my best to be okay. Nothing is impossible with God, everything happens for a reason and whatever's meant to be it will be and I hope someday I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll be okay.