My name is Ree and I like to scribble notes. I had a small notebook where I would always write about my feelings, about the nature, weather, or something interesting caught my eye. I had this white board on the wall of my room where I can put on all the quotes that hold such meanings in my life. I like to observe. Just sitting and basically watching the things around me undergo to their own metamorphosis with my black coffee or tea and some cakes. Sometimes, with music on or just my earphones on. As I'm observing I realized that this reality wasn't some cheesy romance drama where good things happened for no reason other than to drive the unfeasible fantasies of the viewers. Life simply didn't work that way, and the only thing people could do was face the disappointments and move on. It's easier said than done tho.
Something happened early this morning and this scared the shit out of me. I know, death is inevitable. We're born to die. That's how it is, right? But I can't accept that fact, that fear of the unknown. I know I shouldn't let myself accustomed to become selfish. If someone's in pain, let them go. Yet, I couldn't. The glimpse she's throwing at me got me all speechless. Feels like all the walls are tumbling down. I'm scared. I wanna cry but I couldn't. I won't let them see my vulnerability. As one of the life lessons in Tuesdays with Morrie, "If you accept you are going to die at any time, then you might not be as ambitious as you are." But accepting you are dying without knowing how, when and where is really hard to do.
And I was still trying to figure that out. I kind of didn't want to. I was scared I was part of the second group and I was scared I wasn't part of any. And if not that, a reminder that those people around me were too good for me. And I'm not deserving for this life. Because I don’t try. I give up too easily and I let go too frequently. I am a warehouse of feelings dark and uncertainty. I am weak. And even in a a houseful, I’m lonely. But in this refineness, I have found the silence. The silence in which I found the noise in, one that screams actual sense.
I’ve been thinking so much about oceans. I don’t know why. I don’t control my thoughts, it’s the only thing I let myself not be in control of. Then I remembered you… My ocean. Hi.
Remember our first conversations
I called you idiot You called me awesome Funny how things changed Losing you is like a needle That pricks my heart Losing is you like a knife That cuts deep down So let’s pretend we don’t care Because eventually we won’t Because caring makes it so much harder To try and move on. What could have been What should have been What may be What would be Perhaps it's you You will always be My biggest What if |
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