November 9, 2015 11:31 pm
There was so much that I wanted to say, so much and yet, I couldn't think of where to start. I realised this was what it always was. A gap that had never quite been bridged. No, it wasn't the distance that separated us. Nor the differences. Rather, it was the silence, the words that were left unsaid, simply because we could not say them.
My head replayed your words over and over again, a thousand times, a million times. Those three words could be repeated over and over like a mantra, and yet, I could never tire of hearing them. No one ever gets tired of hearing them, I guess. I just wish you knew how much I ache for you. I miss you so damned much. I try to close my eyes every night and all I see is your face. I try to forget it but our memories keep on haunting me back. I hear your voice in my head even when the speakers are on. You're everywhere. Not physically but just constantly on my mind, invading my private thoughts and innermost feelings. Once again, I remember your words that broke me and it's ironic considering there's something enigmatic about you. You're so sincere, honest and true to your words that I find it hard to believe that you can emotionally hurt me. Perhaps, we had been so caught up in the moment that we failed to figure out what lay at the end of the road for us. If everything even lay there at all.
Just when I thought I'm on my way of getting used with the pain, it came back again, like a hundred feet wall that crashed right into me obliterating me into smithereens- utterly. Have you ever loved someone so much you thought your heart would explode? Because that's what I'm feeling, my love. I always got a lump in my throat just thinking of you and my chest tightens and I couldn't breathe. I wonder how much you really broke me.
It's been forty two days since that night and as crazy as it sounds I'm still heartbroken and yet I'm not shy to admit that. You don't get over the person you love that easily, do you? While I tried my best to put my feelings aside there were times when I found that I couldn't. Some wounds will always hurt. Sorry for being selfish. I couldn't just let you go, not yet. I wished I possessed the control of my heart and could tell it to "be still" and it would. I could no longer say I was strong enough to withstand the explosion, because I wasn't. I never was, I only thought I was.
"Hey," or "Hi." that should've probably been my first word. "Are you okay?" I mean, of course you're grand. Your dreams and priorities are finally coming to life. It's really happening. I just wanted to tell you that I'm so proud of you, my love, because I'm scared that I might never get the chance to say this and this is the only way I know how though I doubt you'll get a chance to read it.
There was nothing more I wanted than to slip into your embrace because I missed you, I missed everything about you. I know that you're happy now and I'm happy for you, too. Really. I've known you to realise how much you valued your goals and priorities and I can't help but to get a little bit envy. You're so sure about what you want in your life and it got me thinking: 'Ako kaya? Kailan ko malalaman kung ano ba talaga ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko?' Someday, I guess.
Right now. I just pray for your safety. That's the least and the best thing I can do for you. I want you to live your life. I want you to enjoy every step of the way. I want you to explore the world beneath your sight. I want you to appreciate all the little things in life. I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to do whatever makes you happy. And lastly, I want you to put God first.
And oh, if you'll ever read this I just want to clarify that I didn't give up on anything. I said nothing, because I didn't want to ruin anything. And now I'm just another puzzle piece in the jigsaw of your past, another fragment of history. I hope that you'll still remember me, though. That once upon a time, you almost loved me. I wasn't completely over it and I wasn't completely over you, heck, I don't even get past the stage one but these things needed time and that's okay. I know I had to let you go eventually, because all good things must come to an end. It was the end of the moment, end of perfection and back to reality. But for the time being I was perfectly fine with the gerunds. I was going to be fine.
So, I guess this is the turning point. The end of the beginning. Be careful always, baby. Talk to you, soon.