I don't know how to write it without looking like I'm full of myself but I just want to blog this thoughts before it explode. Sooo, someone just told me I'm kind of pretty. I don't know how to react. I really find it awkward but I appreciate it. It's nice to know that even if I'm a girl full of insecurities some people can still appreciate the beauty inside and outside of me. I don't even know if I should say thank you because saying it is a sign of gratitude, right? But guess what? I didn't. Because that moment instead of saying thank you, I even denied it. I just feel like I'm not entitled for such compliments. I'm not even considering myself as one of those pretty girls. Whenever I'm looking at the mirror all I can see is a girl full of flaws, pimples, dark spots, messy hair, big arms, fat and all in all just plain ugly (but ironically speaking I can't live without my mirror). I'm not saying this just to gain sympathy or sugarcoated words I'm blogging this because I just want to be vulnerable for a moment and it takes a lot of courage in me to expose my insecurities. Truth be told, there are days where I used to hate myself so much. I can't even look at the mirror because I hate seeing my flaws. I know I'm not being fair to myself. I have trouble accepting compliments. All my life, I'm very uncomfortable when something nice was said to me. I always had to diminish the positives. When someone said I'd lost weight I'll just shrugged it off and told them I'm not. During my high school years, I looked fat and indeed I was, but growing up happened and I kinda lost some baby fats. Until then I'm always conscious about my body. Whenever I asked my mom if I looked fat she'll said "No. You're sexy. Who told you that you're fat anyway?" And I'll say no one because that's the truth. The only person who thinks I'm fat is myself and from that moment I realized that I'm being hard on myself. I always encouraged other people to love themselves first and appreciate their beauty, flaws and all. Truth is, I'm being hypocrite because I don't follow what I'm saying. I'm hard on myself. I sell myself short. I denied every compliment in some way. Subconsciously, I played the old message that people wouldn't like me if I thought too much of myself. And right at this moment, while typing this, I can't help but to pity myself. I don't deserve this way of thinking because I know that I can do better. I'm entitled to those compliments. I'm beautiful in my own ways. The main purpose why I'm blogging this is to conquer my fears and insecurities. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable first and afterwards I'll be better. I know that I have a long way to learn how to love myself and appreciate myself flaws and all, but I have to be very patient with myself. I've spent a lifetime developing bad habits. It'll take time to change them but I'll be gentle with myself and persevere. If I get silly at times, I'll forgive myself and continue my journey. Just baby steps my way of getting better. It's time to change myself for the better. It's time to conquer my insecurities. It's time to fall in love with myself more. It's time not to allow anyone to take advantage of me. It's time not to sell myself short. It's time to discover my inner self first. It's time to be brave and take such risks. It's Time.
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