I should stop myself from blogging my feelings and wallowing from pity party, I should, I know, but I just can't help it. Yes, I'm so stubborn and a masochist. I'm fond of adding salt on a newly fresh wound. What can I do anyway? Blogging is one of my ways to deal with my not so good heartbreak.
So here goes nothing. Everything I didn't say part two:
What happened to us? Wasn't I worth holding onto? Am I really easy to leave? Understanding is easy, but acceptance isn't. I know your reason is valid, but it pains me. My heart aches so much I can't help but weep every time you appear in my mind and dreams. I can't accept the fact that the person who completes my everyday is now gone. I was left hanging. I was willing to fight for us, to make it work, to keep you, us, but I didn't know I was alone in the battle. I was still holding on not knowing you had already let go. Now you treat me like a stranger and it hurts to see your life in just a pictures now. Did it even hurt you? Please tell me it did. Because it hurts my heart knowing how easy it was for you to throw it all away. Do you even think about me? Because I do. All the time I do. I still love you. I love you so much. I love to love you and it's breaking me. I'd seriously give up all I have just to have you back here by my side again. I can do it for you but can you do it for me? No. I understand, I need to. But. I just can't stop. I can't unlove you. I can't even hate you for doing this. How can I? Can you just untake this heart?
These days were the darkest of my life. Thanks to God I'm still able to wake up and live my life the way it is without you. It's difficult but I need to get back on track. I know this pain is going to stay with me for a long time because that's how it is. Pain is inevitable and pain demands to be felt. But hey, life goes on and we shouldn't stress over someone who doesn't even think about us. We had the right love at the wrong time. There are things right now that we must put aside first and unfortunately that's love. But someday, in God's time, in His perfect timing, if He wills, I hope our lives cross paths again and maybe give this love a second chance in the right time where I am right for you and you are right for me. Right now, I will keep my distance from you to keep this heart from breaking even more but I will wait for you. I will wait for you because honestly, I don't want anybody else. Maybe someday I read this again and things didn't work out the way I wanted it to, but it's okay. It only means God has a better plan for me, for us. For now, I just want to thank you for being by my side when I needed you most back then. Please, John, take care of yourself and I hope you're enjoying the time of your life now. Thank you for all those wonderful memories we made when I used to call you mine. I love you. I will always do.