I had gotten off track because I had become too worried about “what people think”. I had stopped being vulnerable on this blog because I was worried that I had to hold myself up to some lofty standard since I am starting to write and speak about brain injury more. I've been dealing through a lot issues and repercussions for quite some time and should give myself a mental pat on the back for trying to be strong. I barely gotten any sleep that past weeks and one could see that the word 'haggardness' has finally take its toll on me. Anyhow, I missed blogging my sentiments so here goes nothing.
I missed my whole 'on being a wallflower' kind of life. I missed my inner self. I missed the girl who spent her day just reading books and chatting with her virtual friends. Yes, I have my own set of personal friends and I couldn't ask for more but there's this nagging feeling that I need to have an alone time with myself as soon as possible. I can't seem to do anything to tame these thoughts. They were getting repetitive as every day passes by and I'm scared I was slowly losing myself to myself. Is that possible? I think so.
They say that the monsters you face are in your head, but they didn't know that these become a part of you. These monsters, they infiltrate your mind, planting a seed of doubt then it slowly grows as you water it with the poisoned thoughts. They infuse within your soul and suddenly you realize that you have become one your biggest nightmare. How do you defeat something that could never be fought? Just when I thought i've managed to pick myself up, I'm being dragged down again. It's more like one step forward and a million steps back. I'm just so tired and drained.
See? I'm just a pushover to my own ideas and thoughts. I guess we were both people who were willing to justify things that weren't supposed to be justified or even dabatable. Or is it just me?
Today is February 15. Another day had passed in just a blink of an eye. My Feb 14 was not that great. Not that I'm bitter or anything, it was far from that. Honestly, I feel touched and valued. Though I realized some things. :( I realized that my insecurities were eating me up to the point that I unintentionally hurt those people who're just trying to make an effort to show my worth? (lol) Everything is in flashback right now. I can’t move on and I can’t keep myself from looking back while trying hard to wish that I'm not stuck from that moment. And I honestly hated myself because of that. No one deserves my bullshts. :( I don't know what will happen because I know, I friggin' messed up big time. I know, I'm the one at fault here but you can't blame a girl for being scared. You just can't.
I missed my whole 'on being a wallflower' kind of life. I missed my inner self. I missed the girl who spent her day just reading books and chatting with her virtual friends. Yes, I have my own set of personal friends and I couldn't ask for more but there's this nagging feeling that I need to have an alone time with myself as soon as possible. I can't seem to do anything to tame these thoughts. They were getting repetitive as every day passes by and I'm scared I was slowly losing myself to myself. Is that possible? I think so.
They say that the monsters you face are in your head, but they didn't know that these become a part of you. These monsters, they infiltrate your mind, planting a seed of doubt then it slowly grows as you water it with the poisoned thoughts. They infuse within your soul and suddenly you realize that you have become one your biggest nightmare. How do you defeat something that could never be fought? Just when I thought i've managed to pick myself up, I'm being dragged down again. It's more like one step forward and a million steps back. I'm just so tired and drained.
See? I'm just a pushover to my own ideas and thoughts. I guess we were both people who were willing to justify things that weren't supposed to be justified or even dabatable. Or is it just me?
Today is February 15. Another day had passed in just a blink of an eye. My Feb 14 was not that great. Not that I'm bitter or anything, it was far from that. Honestly, I feel touched and valued. Though I realized some things. :( I realized that my insecurities were eating me up to the point that I unintentionally hurt those people who're just trying to make an effort to show my worth? (lol) Everything is in flashback right now. I can’t move on and I can’t keep myself from looking back while trying hard to wish that I'm not stuck from that moment. And I honestly hated myself because of that. No one deserves my bullshts. :( I don't know what will happen because I know, I friggin' messed up big time. I know, I'm the one at fault here but you can't blame a girl for being scared. You just can't.
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