I don't know how to write it without looking like I'm full of myself but I just want to blog this thoughts before it explode. Sooo, someone just told me I'm kind of pretty. I don't know how to react. I really find it awkward but I appreciate it. It's nice to know that even if I'm a girl full of insecurities some people can still appreciate the beauty inside and outside of me. I don't even know if I should say thank you because saying it is a sign of gratitude, right? But guess what? I didn't. Because that moment instead of saying thank you, I even denied it. I just feel like I'm not entitled for such compliments. I'm not even considering myself as one of those pretty girls. Whenever I'm looking at the mirror all I can see is a girl full of flaws, pimples, dark spots, messy hair, big arms, fat and all in all just plain ugly (but ironically speaking I can't live without my mirror). I'm not saying this just to gain sympathy or sugarcoated words I'm blogging this because I just want to be vulnerable for a moment and it takes a lot of courage in me to expose my insecurities. Truth be told, there are days where I used to hate myself so much. I can't even look at the mirror because I hate seeing my flaws. I know I'm not being fair to myself. I have trouble accepting compliments. All my life, I'm very uncomfortable when something nice was said to me. I always had to diminish the positives. When someone said I'd lost weight I'll just shrugged it off and told them I'm not. During my high school years, I looked fat and indeed I was, but growing up happened and I kinda lost some baby fats. Until then I'm always conscious about my body. Whenever I asked my mom if I looked fat she'll said "No. You're sexy. Who told you that you're fat anyway?" And I'll say no one because that's the truth. The only person who thinks I'm fat is myself and from that moment I realized that I'm being hard on myself. I always encouraged other people to love themselves first and appreciate their beauty, flaws and all. Truth is, I'm being hypocrite because I don't follow what I'm saying. I'm hard on myself. I sell myself short. I denied every compliment in some way. Subconsciously, I played the old message that people wouldn't like me if I thought too much of myself. And right at this moment, while typing this, I can't help but to pity myself. I don't deserve this way of thinking because I know that I can do better. I'm entitled to those compliments. I'm beautiful in my own ways. The main purpose why I'm blogging this is to conquer my fears and insecurities. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable first and afterwards I'll be better. I know that I have a long way to learn how to love myself and appreciate myself flaws and all, but I have to be very patient with myself. I've spent a lifetime developing bad habits. It'll take time to change them but I'll be gentle with myself and persevere. If I get silly at times, I'll forgive myself and continue my journey. Just baby steps my way of getting better. It's time to change myself for the better. It's time to conquer my insecurities. It's time to fall in love with myself more. It's time not to allow anyone to take advantage of me. It's time not to sell myself short. It's time to discover my inner self first. It's time to be brave and take such risks. It's Time.
I'm particular on who I open my doors to because I'm afraid that if my fortress reaches over-capacity, I would have to throw someone out and they would feel the same thing I have felt on repeat; loneliness, tremor, solitude, ones that I swore I would never want to feel again but ironically dealing with it right now. It's also the very reason why I open my windows for all the people I've thrown out and didn't let in; to let them know that beyond my impulsive reactions are my hands that I can stick out the window. And if not that, a reminder that they were too good for me. Because I don't try. I give up too easily and I let go too frequently. I am a warehouse of feelings dark and uncertainty. I am weak. And even in a a houseful, I'm lonely. But in this refineness, I have found the silence. The silence in which I found the noise in, one that screams actual sense. In this refineness, now I call my choice of confinement, the mask of a skin I call can be peeled off without seeming effort. No more lies. No more fake smiles. And I swear, I've never been a caged bird all my life but for once, I felt free. That's a good thing, I guess. Thanks be to God.
I want you to keep breaking and cracking to fractures and fragments. I want you to keep shattering into pieces so thin and so small they can never be picked up. I want you so deemed of the world's greatest pleasures that you will decide to rip your own rib cage apart. I want you so beated that nothing can ever prick your frail heart again, or so broken that you can't be torn apart any longer. I want your sharps, your edges, your points. I want all your little pieces beside all my little pieces until they get all mixed up and unrecognizable. I want you to be as broken as me, that I may never have the need to have to fix myself to fit in your arms.
This month is crazy kind of busy (in terms of moving forward), full of “a-ha” moments, moments of clarity and much to my surprise complete excitement, so many win moments, after all. Even when things feel like they are going awesome, going in the right direction and positive things are happening, there are always those moments of doubt and dealing with loneliness and negativity. Can't help it when you're accustomed to being pessimist all the time. We all experience it and generally that doubt and negative vibes consume us.
I still wonder why we don’t just relish in the win moments as much as we do the moments of doubt is beyond me, but I know that we all got this. We are all super capable of making an awesome life, following our passions and getting after it! If we all start, really start, looking on the brighter side of life we can be strong despite of all those unwanted baggage. My take away from this month and what I will bring with me into the weekend is surround thyself with positivity. It is one of the keys to success (not proven, but I just feel like it must be) and if we just focus more on the positive instead of the doubt and negative, not only will we do better in our personal lives, but our resources will thrive and last.
Granted, getting out of your comfort zone is never an easy task. Being fearless is not something we're born with either. Believe it or not, it will take a lot of time and some getting used to before reaching that point. I still am dealing with my own insecurities. I've been dealing about them since eons ago and I don't know when will I be more confident in my own skin. Taking baby steps is a good place to start because it's habit-forming. Eventually, we'll get the hang of it and transform into that best version of you. Then soon enough, it will become as natural as breathing. We all got this. You got this, Ree.
And while we sulked and moped, we fell two continents apart. We became two peninsulas on the far ends of the Earth. In between what could have been is a far-flung, spread-out deep sea of greek and misery. This sea we talk of has become as salty as the tears we let go of and as deep as the scars it has spawned. We continued to be connected however by the air we breathe, the memories that hunt us and the love that we used to share. But no matter the size or grand of a bridge, not a single one would work if no one would let go of his pride and pass. In the end, we were all just sheer human beings too proud to make ourselves vulnerable.
"I was driving home, thinking about you and I saw lightening shoot across the sky. Immediately I felt the loneliness. I sat at that stop sign much too long, with my eyes closed and flashes of what I wanted going through my mind. I felt the tears starting to come but I had to push forward. I had to push past the sadness because although it hurts, it feels good. I cannot recall a time I missed someone so much that it actually caused pain. I could feel it, this hole burning in my heart. A void next to me, where you should be. Emptiness in my hand that you should be holding. Without you, I'm just not right. This night, it was made for you and me. I should have been in your arms, sharing soft kisses and intimate whispers. I had to settle for the sound of your voice, 600 miles away."
"When it is God’s timing, all the forces of darkness can’t stop Him. When it’s your due season, God will bring it to pass."
We don’t always understand God’s methods. His ways don’t always make sense to us, but we have to realize that God sees the big picture. Consider this possibility: You may be ready for what God has for you, but somebody else who is going to be involved is not ready yet. God has to do a work in another person or another situation before your prayer can be answered according to God’s will for your life. All the pieces have to come together for it to be God’s perfect time.
But never fear; God is getting everything lined up in your life. You may not feel it; you may not see it. Your situation may look just like it did for the past ten years, but then one day, in a split second of time, God will bring it all together. When it is God’s timing, all the forces of darkness can’t stop Him. When it’s your due season, God will bring it to pass.
You must learn to trust God’s timing. You can be sure that right now, God is arranging all the pieces to come together to work out His plan for your life. He has been working in your favor long before you encountered the problem. Don’t grow impatient and try to force doors open. Don’t try to make things happen in your own strength. The answer will come, and it will be right on time.
While taking a break from hulahooping I find myself wandering about those things happening to me lately. To be honest i'm too shy posting pic like this because it's not that attractive and not a sight to see. Hahaha. But who cares? This is my home, after all. This is the place where I can be free. This is the place where I can find some solitude. You know when things are quite messy your emotions are all over the place and once in a while you have to let it out. You reach the point where you know things are good and certain things are harmful and so you start to do what benefits you. I think at some point you also realize that sometimes things don't work out even when you wish it did and there are certain instances where you realize that you're going to have to wait for something you really want, whether it takes a week or a month or even years. But if you want it now and and you still want it later on, you'll appreciate it so much more when you finally get is. Time eventually gives you what you desire or it will give you something else that is better and If you will be confident in what God has given you, He will take what looks like little and turn it into much. All is well. :)