She knew it was too good to be true. She didn't feel good about herself and she had started to build walls around her heart. She wanted to protect it because she was scared. She's crying because she found a perfect person and she's fucking scared
You wanna know what she's afraid of when she doesn't see you for a long time? She's afraid that you guys will grow apart. She's afraid that time away from each other will cause you guys to be distant from each other as a couple. She's afraid that one of you will slowly lose feelings for each other, mainly you. She's afraid that while you guys are doing your own thing, one of you will come across somebody new, mainly you. She's afraid that you'll start talking to her less and less until you eventually stop hitting her up altogether. She's afraid that you'll lie to her about what you're doing, where you're at, or who you're with because you're actually with another girl. She's afraid another girl is going to step in between you guys and steal you away from her entirely. She's afraid that you'll lose sight of how lucky you are and how special your relationship with her is. She's afraid that you'll get tired of waiting to see her again because she's too busy with other priorities to make time for you. So that's why she tries to see you as much as she can. That's why she tries to talk to you as much as she can. That's why she comes off as clingy as she does. That's why she gets a little annoyed when you aren't giving her your full attention. That's why she has a hard time giving you space, because she's afraid if she does, she'll slowly lose you.
(c) Tony 'Teddie' Nguyen
And it also scared you to let him break the walls that you have built around you for so long, but you let him anyway....
Because that is just how this works. Sometimes, we fall in love with someone we can never really be sure of. But we give in anyway, because, what the hell, falling in love is always a risk. And it scares us to let them in, because we might not have any more room for ourselves. But we let them in anyway—we open up and we start seeing things in a different perspective. Because by this time, nothing is guarding our hearts anymore. By this time, we start trusting again even though you have built your walls up so high, he still let himself in despite the fact that you have been running away from love for so long.
You sleep with your fingers crossed and with a crazy anxious heartbeat, wishing so hard that he appreciates all your little doings and how hard you try to sound sweet and romantic. You're not used to this, but you try. You used to be the girl who never looked or listened because there was nothing worth looking at or listening to anyway. But here you are, listening to every word he says, and seeing every tiny beautiful detail. And it scares you. Because he makes you feel so alive. He makes you feel like you're ready for love again.
It scares you to break down the walls with him to let the light break through. But you still do. Because that is just how this works. Sometimes, even though we’re scared, we still do the things we think are right. We're scared not because he gets mad when you call him weird or because you annoy the hell out of him. You're scared because it's real. And right now, it seems so right. You tell him you love him. It scares you, but it seems like the right thing to say. If this is how being scared feels like, you never want to be not scared again.
Thank you for all the blessings that I received and will receive every waking day of my life. Thank you for the people who loves me exactly for who I am, without judgments and accepts all my shortcomings. Thank you for the challenges that you let me face to make me a stronger and better person. Even if sometimes I feel its too much and I just start crying, I know at the end of that struggle I’ll understand why I had to go through it. Sorry. Sorry for the disappointments, the pain, the lies all that I’ve done to hurt anyone and especially You. I lift up everything to you God, you are my source of strength. I love you. Amen.
July 26, 2015
You've become part of my daily routine. I’ve grown so accustomed to just talk to you everyday, making sure you’re doing alright, making sure you've eaten already, making sure if you went home safely, waiting for you to wake up, waiting for your calls each night before we sleep. When I hear your voice, it's like a feeling I don't want to leave... you give me comfort and it fucking terrifies me. The cute sound of your voice is like my favorite love song, I can listen to it all night until it puts me to sleep. Yes, still as I continue to lay here in my bed and think about everything you are to me, I can't help myself but wonder, what's on your mind too? How much do you feel and how real do you think this really is? You're keeping me anchored and you've been painstakingly yet surely becoming my rock, sucking me into your world that even if I don’t talk to you for just one day, it throws my whole day off. I might sound crazy, but that’s just the way my mind works. It’s as if you’re permanently in my life. I guess I never changed. I only attached myself to people I could lose when times called for it, to the people I could leave behind without feeling guilty. Not you though, you were more than glue. You were scotchtape and bandaid and rugby and you're stuck with me. I couldn’t take you off. I didn’t want to take you off. So, why don't you just be my constant through it all?
All of your insides are hollowed out. You don’t feel anything. Or you feel too much. You feel so much it’s overpowering everything else.
Broken hearts are splattered everywhere. On street corners with couples trying to keep it together. On pages of poetry, memoirs, artists trying to make something beautiful out of a very difficult time. We’re all just doing that. Trying to make it through. Make it to the other side. We’re pushing through dirt and darkness so that we can remember the sun does shine again. Because it does. It always does.
We’re so clouded in our own misery, we forget to even look around. We don’t take the time to notice the broken hearts right next to us.
Something is going to break your heart. That’s just the way it goes, babe. It might be a person. It might be an event. A situation, disappointment. There are so many things that can stab that little sucker. But it’s part of life. And it’s something we all share. The human experience is realizing we’re in it together.
We’re in this together. All of it. The shit. The beautiful parts. The feeling so alone. We’re together in that. Isn’t that pretty amazing? Someone else is reading this. Someone in a completely different room, with a different life, with potentially a broken heart, is reading this. And you don’t know them. But you’re with them. Here. In this moment.
You’ll heal. Time doesn’t erase wounds, but it does teach us how to navigate with them. And sometimes? Yeah, time can get rid of those wounds altogether. And someone else out there will be healing too.
Others will have hearts breaking as yours is growing stronger. And maybe you’ll take the time to truly see them, to recognize the process they are about to enter and remind them: you are not alone. We are all here with you. And you will be okay. I promise, you will be okay.
And not because someone else is telling you to be better but because there is something inside of you keeping you up at night and resurfacing every single morning when you wake.
I think the universe fights for two souls to be together but unfortunately, the human experience is flawed. We aren’t given instruction manuals on how to live life or how to love people or the sure path to successful relationships or careers or raising children or asking for help, or any of the things that can only be learned with time and many, many mistakes made in between the good parts.
I’m a moving vehicle. Nobody can stop me from moving forward. But for you, I’d be a pedicab. You can ride on my side cart. We can continue moving. Together.
They say people who are in love are stupid. It’s not because they fell in love that they are stupid. It’s because after they fall in love, the machine goes haywire, like water to electronics, and you do things your mind does not control. You are electrocuted to burn but charged full of life, and you won’t be able to tell the difference. If it’s a good thing or a bad thing to go haywire, I do not know. But what I do know is that you lose control. I do not like losing control. But for you, I'll risk it all.