July 17th, 2015

So while I was doing my homework in Psychology, there's a question there that's telling me to write something about myself. For a second I was just staring at it, I'm loss for words. I don't know what should I write. I don't know what should I say first. Should I introduce myself before anything else? The basic answers and so on? Or should I go for the depth? Honestly, it got me nervous to think I don't really know myself. All but a rave from things deep within, some posts would require just little of the futile efforts we give. So effortless even that when we write it down, it would appear as though the words would roll out of our mouths without restraint of any form or kind. This said and though I would prefer saying otherwise, this is one of the hard ones; the ones I can never finish, the ones that would force me to doubt and genuflect upon the indefinite writer in me or needless to say, the imaginary, nonexistent skills I have. 
Originally, this was supposed to be a post about who I really am, the Ree behind mademoiselle. But I can not bring myself to do a post I don’t have the words for. Ladies and Gents, for this ordeal and, I, at my defense, am both frustrated and flustered at the loss of words that I somehow can’t summon out of me to describe myself. It makes me think how far of a path I can walk through as a writer or simply just a human. This never disturbed me though, I never intended to follow this route until the very end. There would be a time I would eventually take a u-turn to the highway in which I will find myself lost among a thousand paths beyond the one I’m in. And even if I did, I would have started a dirt road of my own where a dirty gravel parking lot was supposed to be. I would have ran where I was supposed to stop and park. It would have been just the beginning where it was supposed to end. Proven difficult though without awareness, it would be nothing if and only if it becomes my dream. The unsettling thing about my little mishap were the realizations that came after that. It is possible that there are words that just can’t visualize thyself though what’s there to find when there’s nothing there? I can’t look for the words because I don’t know what the words seem like. It’s baffling how I can’t describe myself accurately or vaguely even. There are the usuals; the personal aspects, the one everyone can point out. Those are the shallow things. I want to be able to describe myself in a deeper form, like Agape against Eros. Why not though? Because I don’t know myself enough. That’s why. And it's kind of.....disturbing at the same time exciting.