My life's just begun and there's a ton of things out in the world I've never laid eyes on. Things I could never imagine. That's what I discovered on this present lifetime. I'm not sure what I want just yet. But one thing I want to make sure of is that:
I will be better. I’m going to appreciate things more and actually do things because I want them and not because someone expects me to. I'm kinda tired of people that keeps on pressuring me to do this and that actually. Maybe it's a time to stand up for myself even for just a little?
I will become useful and I will do productive things without frustrating myself too much. I like to call it thinking without distraction.
I will become dependent with myself and not with someone else. Hopefully, I will become more independent and that's more there's to it.
I will entrust myself with myself, if that makes sense... A lot of disappointments and bad things happened to me and honestly I feel like I've failed myself. A lot. I've probably lost myself with just a span of one year and I'm afraid it will continue for the next years.
I will become a happy person because to be honest I am not a happy person. I may make you happy for a while but I will not make you happy forever, because there are days where I will be so fragile and your patience would have to be upped to a thousand notches.
I will become stronger. Even though I was so utterly fucking scared that I would break the people around me the same way I probably broke myself.
I will lessen my insecurities and fears in life and I hope to God I can do it because my insecurity would always be fed until it grew into this gigantic monster that dragged me into the pits of hell with it.
I will brace myself with reality and be more open with the notion that the world doesn't revolve around me. Tbh, I do not handle rejection well. I really, really don’t. You have no idea how much curling up in bed I did after every single one, and it doesn’t help that they don’t outright reject you (well some of them). It feels a lot like a relationship that leaves you hanging. I’m always left trying to cope with the emptiness and slowly becoming too scared to try again, with fear of having to cope with more of the emptiness. I can't take any criticisms without getting defensive.
I will become more mature. If there's one thing I learned is to accept things as they are, try to feel okay about them, go through the cycles of grief, pick myself up and decide where to from there: keep trying, or give up?
And lastly, I’m done being some stagnant water that’s not making progress. For all I know, that’s all I am nowadays, and I’m not feeling any better typing this out. I’m tired of keeping still. I don’t want to stay in a pond full of fishes. I want to explore. I want to be those among the rivers and the falls. I want rapid movement even though it means I would have to drive my life through rocky roads and shaky curves. I want to know my life’s moving closer to success each time the sun sets in and takes its rest on this side of the world. I’m going to dream more, believe some more and hope for the best. And I’m going to be happy. Productive. Full on enlightenment and contentment and lastly stronger than ever. Period.