Me half the time: I'm so insecure and so ugly eww.
Me the other half of the time: I am flawless do not touch me peasant.
My photos are somewhat odd and weird. Maybe, it all comes down with me bein' weird that's why my pics are also the same. Lol. I don't know what's with my way of thinking but I feel so exposed, naked even every time i'm gonna post a pic without a hearts or something in my face; it's always either hearts, or just a plain lines. Perhaps, my insecurities are always kickin' in. A legions of insecurities I must say. I'm just wondering, was I always this insecure? Will I forever be this unsure? Heaven knows I tried to stop feeling this way. My self esteem does get lower when I see a girl prettier than me because I know I'm not the prettiest, smartest, or most fun and exciting girl. I over think everything, analyzed every single thing anyone says and doubt myself. I'm not as confident or brave as I put on. I'm really shy and insecure about everything but hided behind those snark-y comments and blank looks. I know it's bad to compare myself to others because we all have our own unique traits and differences adding to that fact that God warns us over and over not to criticize, compare, or judge each other. The more insecure you are, the more you will want people to serve you, and the more you will need their approval. So I guess, I'll stop comparing myself with someone else. I can do it. I'm a mess and you do not have to understand mess to like it. :)
Yesterday, on my corporate social responsibility subject, we've had an individual presentation concerning our personal image we're showing towards others and the implications of this in the corporate world. To be honest presenting myself with others isn't my forte. Some people may be into that but not me I felt like I'm in a beauty pageant Q&A every frigging time. Moving on, we will stand in front (in which I super duper hate, minus five points with my favorite Professor for doing such thing. Tsk.) and we'll choose a one particular adjective describing our being and cast a brief explanation on why we chose that one. My professor was calling us randomly and I couldn't concentrate that time I have so many thoughts running through my head and I don't know how to put them into a meaningful and brief sentence. It's hassle, mid you. I'm trying to ponder of such ideas that will help me to sort out my personal image. I came up with the notion of being creative. Creative in a way that every time I'll tend to set goals I'll make sure that the availability of the resources I'll make use are efficient and effective. Well, hello there disappointment. Why? Because I just realized that perhaps somehow I'm not being honest with myself. But when I'm reminiscing that moment I can't help but wonder with my prof's reaction. He said, 'wow'. I don't get if it's a good thing or a bad thing? Am I taking things too seriously? I should've said I'm kind. Lol. And that's the lame part of me. Anywhoo, I'm still not over yet with this entire moment. Obviously. Skimming through this, I realized that It's better if I pick up an adjective that will surely fit my personal image. I should've said:
Clingy. Why? Because I have a very few handpicked friends and I tend to stay it that way. When it comes to my friends, family, loved ones or those people who're close with me (be it personally or virtually) I'm territorial. It makes me upset whenever they ignore me and such. Oh yea, a very dramatic one.
Passive. Why? I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing but I'm a type of person whose passive. In my personal life, you can talk with me, (Yes, I'm speaking to no one in particular, since I'm just blogging for myself and I have no audiences. Yeah, I'm a very sad and solitary girl.) you can vent out your frustrations with me, share your problems with me, and the only thing I'll do is listen to you unless you want me to share my personal insights about you and your dilemmas but the problem is that I always have this gut feeling that the moment I voice out my skeptical thoughts you'll just find me annoying and loathsome so I'll just shut up my inner thoughts and keep it to myself. I'll just smile to you thinking yea, nice job Ree, you deserve an award for being such a lame friend.
What am I blogging this? 'Cause there's a part of me thinks that somehow I disappoint myself which is kinda upsetting. I'm disappointed because I thought I've changed but there's always part of me who're not changing and this is the part wherein I still can't be able to stand up with myself or even voice out my personal thoughts actively. I find it hard to show my true characters with others. I'm always prided myself in my ability to stay completely neutral behind the figurative walls I've put up around myself. And I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. If only I knew how but I guess, it's already in the past it's useless thinking of what-ifs and what-could-have-done-differently. Sighs. My personal life is very different with my social life. In my sns acct. I talk like I know what’s going on. But in real life I don’t.
I don’t know anything or even you. We’re young and we’re gonna screw-up a lot. We’re gona keep changing our minds and even sometimes our hearts. And through all that, the only thing we can truly offer each other is… forgiveness. I learned my lesson.Take chances… alot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up - and with who, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are… you learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. say how you feel - always. Be you, and be okay with it. It doesn’t matter what any other person thinks. In a world of comparison and conformity, make your own statement. Honor your own truth. Have the courage to be yourself; risk speaking your own thoughts and claiming your emotions. Share your vulnerabilities, tears, doubts, and insecurities; let others experience the real you. Have the courage to be yourself and realize that you are a wonderful person. Put this on your pretty little mind, Ree.