Simple yet complex.
The good thing about the province is this: small roads with the occasional car and you can just walk forever until you get tired and become okay. The very photogenic electric wires are a plus. The lifestyle here is simple. You eat, you drink, and do what makes you happy. But if it is the same lifestyle, when it is not to your heart’s content, that complexes things.
So my life lately merely consist of dealing with quarter life crisis and yet enjoying the little things in my life right now. You see, it's pure complexities but I'm learning to embrace this phase right now. I’m trying my best to embrace the mess that I am. It's hard tho. Sometimes, I would sit in self-pity; feeling like I haven’t done anything remarkable unlike everyone else and somehow, that means I am a complete failure. I would often feel like I’m being left behind as everyone around me are slowly getting their lives together. I would feel more of a mess than I already am. But i'm constantly reminding myself that I'm still young. Heck, I'm not even past 21. Nothing is ‘wrong’ with being a mess and you don't have to understand a mess for you to like it. Nothing is ‘wrong’ with a quarter life crisis because I believe we need to experience that kind of crisis every once in a while.
'Quarter life crisis’ defines as “a crisis that may be experienced in one’s twenties, involving anxiety over the direction and quality of one’s life.” Some will say it happens after leaving college, but believe me, I have already had plenty and am sure to have some more internal dilemmas in my post grad life. It’s as if you’re lost in a sea of people who have found their calling and are insanely happy. Why does it feel like you have been cheated in life? You spent hours looking at your vision board and list of goals and think, what are you doing? You have two choices when you're dealing with this crisis: You can get frustrated, enraged, and become a slave to your own demons or you can view it as life’s way of giving you a guilt-free breather from rushing, and spend that time daydreaming, preparing, or appreciating all the little things you have right now. The first choice will raise your blood pressure, can make your moods all over the place and stress yourself. The second choice will raise your consciousness.
Quarter life crisis can be great teachers and there are certain helpful things to remember when you are in the midst of one. Here are some things I’ve been told and also learning along the way:
1. First things first, wake up in the morning having a positive attitude.
- Smile when you start a day. Another day to be thankful for, right? You are alive and therefore you matter. Your dreams, aspirations, and goals matter. When you started smiling when you woke up it would actually start your day on a really good note. I know, I know. It's hard to smile when you're not a morning person and actually a grumpy one. But we need a little boost to lighten up our day, right? And it just another reminder not to take things too seriously! Carpe diem your way in life. (Ha. I should've read this one over and over again.)
2. Appreciate all the little things and be grateful.
- Cliche might it sound but it's the little things that make up for the big things. Small things that spoke volume. Be grateful that you still have one more day to enjoy all those little things, the comfy bed, the breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen and you're lucky enough that you still have your loved ones who love you deeply. It’s these little things that make us who we are, and without these little things, we actually wouldn’t be where we are at this very moment. Life could be way worse, you know? But it’s really not. It’s good, Life is so damn good.
3. Don't be too hard on yourself.
- It seems like the world is practically pressuring you to go out there and find yourself and your passion, create something out of it, focus on your next steps, go shoot for the stars, etc. If you don’t know what you want to do yet, that is okay. Your life is just starting out for you and you don’t have to figure everything out at once. I can assure you that no one has it figured out at all. Like you, everyone is simply trying out their best. Everyone has their own pace. You have yours. I know that with the wave of updates that we see from strangers each day, we can’t help but live in a world of constant comparison. Chill, life is too precious to constantly wasting your time being too hard on yourself. Someday, you will achieve all your life goals in life and that would be worthwhile.
4. Start taking small (very few) steps.
- It's the small steps that get you there. Remember that small achievements each day means success too. It’s finishing a paper before the deadline, remembering to water your plants, finishing a book, buying yourself that thing you’ve been eyeing for a while now, making yourself a nice iced coffee. There is no need to push yourself to have everything all at once. Big goals are achieved through small goals.
5. Remind yourself that it's already an achievement to just live. Celebrate it!
- You don’t have to do something worthwhile each day to become the person that you want to be. Sometimes, you just need a day. Sometimes, you just have to take pleasure in the little things, like making yourself the perfect cup of coffee in the morning, doing 20 sit-ups and 30 jumping jacks for your work out, cleaning your own room, catching up with your virtual and real life friends, spend quality time with your loved ones. Even if you feel like you’re not doing enough, know that you already are. Try to be kinder to yourself.
6. Above anything else, B+.
- Honestly, I myself have always been focusing on the pain of life a lot. But I’m not all about the pain. I think there is goodness in life that is beyond language’s ability to explain. And we try to explain it the best we can. But it is mostly felt, mostly experienced, mostly lived. When you change your negative thoughts into positive ones I guarantee you, that even though life is hard having a positive vibes around us can change our moods. This is something relatively new for me, if you can make the active choice to be more optimistic than negative, I promise you a vast difference will take effect in your life and I agree to that. Being positive is one of the biggest practices I need to achieve. I need this to cope with negative people in my life. That step of self-awareness is to nurture and harness positivity. It's absolutely human to have negativity comes into our lives. The crucial hing here is learning to be self-aware and making the active choice to stop it instead letting these negative vibes eat us alive.
- When someone is affecting you negatively be brave to stand up for yourself. Remember that pessimism is contagious so you must surround yourself with positive people. These kind of people only lift each other up, while negative people weigh down everyone else around them. You always have your choice.
To end this note, don’t let your fears get in the way of what you really want, whatever that is. In the end, we just need to focus on what feels good: the kind of good that gets inside your soul and makes you remember why this is all worth it. Whatever that is for you, find it and follow it. And if you haven’t found it yet, that is more than okay. It sometimes finds you when you least expect it. Smile, you are one tough cookie. :))
Kafka On The Shore by Haruki Murakami
Kafka on the shore, is the latest book I've been hooked with. I've been engrossed in reading the first page until the very end of it. I admit, I got very confused about the flow of the story, I don't see the connection between Nakata and Kafka but deep down, I've got a hold of it. Kafka on the shore can't be fully understood because the author draws from many metaphorical sources. You need to open your mind to fully grasp the content of the story. It's really confusing at first but if you try to decipher the very words, characters and events you'll get pretty hyped up. It feels like you're exploring the details of the story and trying to put yourself on them. You don't always understand what is occurring in a "this is coming together kind of way" to point to a realization about the character or about life. But there is a sense that you get with each event that the author constructs beautifully. Much of the contemporary novels we read has always something telling or the story itself is directly expressing its thoughts and whatnot but Kafka on the shore will open your mind with realm of possibilities. You're thinking about something but you can't quite put your finger on it. This novel will make someone read without thinking about what will happen next! It's really unpredictable but you just can't stop reading it. For me, this novel have been my world that I love to dwell in. It also redefined the joy of reading to me. Silence and attachment. It gives me solitude and peace I've been longing to have and I'm really thankful for all those epiphanies I've been gained with. Hence my journey throughout this novel is really surreal but in a positive way. :))
Story plot: Kafka on the Shore, a tour de force of metaphysical reality, is powered by two remarkable characters: a teenage boy, Kafka Tamura, who runs away from home either to escape a gruesome oedipal prophecy or to search for his long-missing mother and sister; and an aging simpleton called Nakata, who never recovered from a wartime affliction and now is drawn toward Kafka for reasons that, like the most basic activities of daily life, he cannot fathom. Their odyssey, as mysterious to them as it is to us, is enriched throughout by vivid accomplices and mesmerizing events. Cats and people carry on conversations, a ghostlike pimp employs a Hegel-quoting prostitute, a forest harbors soldiers apparently unaged since World War II, and rainstorms of fish (and worse) fall from the sky. There is a brutal murder, with the identity of both victim and perpetrator a riddle - yet this, along with everything else, is eventually answered, just as the entwined destinies of Kafka and Nakata are gradually revealed, with one escaping his fate entirely and the other given a fresh start on his own. (c)
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
Life lately has been...
Trying to be a more B+ advocate. Life, despite all the pains, has been good.
Seizing and being grateful all those little things in life.
Appreciating the love, attention and support I get from him.
Beginning to say 'yes' in every small steps I'll take.
Hoping and praying that my parents will allow me to pursue this thing I've been thinking with.
Enthusiastic about dealing with school 'stuffs'. Again and again.
Worrying about some things but still putting in mind that every little thing will be alright.
Still having a book hangover. Kafka on the shore says it all.
Reading from bed, an ultimate perk.
Putting sticky notes on my bedside wall.
Hanging my latest Eiffel Tower art on the wall together with its glow in the dark stars.
Making iced coffee.
Searching for some hand me downs' clothes of my mom.
Having a good cry and epiphanies of what truly means to me and what doesn’t.
Listening with some classical musics.
Dyeing my hair from brown to red. Ha.
Praying for some zits healing.
Watching shows on etc. Izombie made me hyped up.
Writing quotes on my planner.
Catching up on some friends.
Taking small (a very few) steps.
Enjoying the company of my family. Specifically, my dad and mom.
Late nights. Really.
Having dreams to remember.
Falling in love with this life.
Of insecurities and self-portrait
A self-portrait shoot happened outside today courtesy of my mom lol. At first, I just wanna see the whole view of my hair so I take some photos. My camera is in low quality to be honest, haven't been able to fix my cam that I used in taking photos. Ugh. Anyway, I don’t remember the last time I did self-portraits. I just remember I stopped… Come to think of it, I think I stopped because I hardly ever liked how I looked in some photos. I even hate my smile. Sometimes I hate having my photos taken even if it’s just me taking them for myself) You see, my insecurity has gotten to a point where I don’t even do self-portraits anymore because I’m afraid of what I would think of myself after I’ve seen the photos. It was never about other people. I was my own worst critic. How the heck did I get to this point after years of preaching self-love and acceptance? I felt like an utter hypocrite. I decided that I missed the old me and I needed to bring back my old self again. Everyone has insecurities they deal with and this happens to be one of mine. I know I’m not alone, because nearly every girl deals with this shit. But I’m working on it, and hopefully I’ll find the motivation to really beat my insecurities and the unhealthy lifestyle I live. Soon, Ree, Soon.
Life lately has been all about...
Pretty pumped up 'cause my summer classes/internship has ended
Tho worrying for upcoming school duties
Yet being a B+ person
Planning to do some house chores like organizing my closet & cleaning my personal work space
Catching up on Percy Jackson's second installment
Scheduling my next to do list
Finish my Paris art work
Experimenting on making the perfect iced coffee drink
Arranging my playlist that depends on my current mood thus downloading the new hippie songs
Catching up with my wattpad friends
Meet this amazing mom. :)
In every smile, every tear and every cheer you were always there for me through the years supporting me and providing me everything i've needed in my life. I just want you and everyone to know that i'm so blessed to have such an amazing mom like you. Thank you for all the time and love you've invested in me and the sacrifices you've made for me. Thank you for supporting all my whims and caprices mom and I want you to know that someday, i'll be the one who will pamper you and dad. Thank you for being there when I'm being a crybaby and you don't judge me for it instead you'll hug me and say 'This too shall pass. You're a big girl and I know you can do it. I believe in you." There couldn't be a mother more wonderful than you. I wish you a very happy mother's mom from the bottom of my heart! Iloveyousomuch mommy!
So, I finished the first installment of Percy Jackson within a span of one week. How awesome was that? I feel kind of productive tbh. Haha. From the first book, Lightning Thief followed by The Sea of Monsters then The Titans Curse, The battle of Labyrinth then lastly the Last Olympian. Until now, I've been suffering from tremendous hangover. Thank you very much, Mr. Rick Riordan. Severe book hangover albeit looking forward to read the second installment. How I wish, Apollo will make a lot of exposures tho. He's so cool! Dang.
I know I’m a little too late for the whole Percy Jackson millennium but I love it. It’s about time somebody offered to give me this.. If I could just have all the money in the world to buy books then I wouldn’t have to be so lonely anymore. My parents are convinced that the books I have are enough for me which I might add, is a mere understatement. I know how to differentiate a want from a need but believe me when I say I need to buy books. It’s like food. Give it to me or I die.
The little and big things that make me happy lately…