I hate that feeling I get where I know that I want to break down and bawl but I can’t due to the endless questions that would follow and I wouldn’t be able to give answers. But tonight’s one of those nights where I just want to bawl. To cry where you just let everything you’ve been holding in, out; you hold nothing back because you’re tired of having to hold so much in. To cry to the point where no more tears are coming out, to the point to where I just feel -- NUMB. I hate being emotionally unstable I act like I don't give a fcvk about something but deep inside it kills me. This worries that bombards me all over again. This guilt that kills me. This longing lingers everywhere. This numbness...I freaking hate it. I don't know what to do anymore oh God save me I need someone who really sees me as me who will help me when I fall down like this. I'm trying my best to act cheerful to be happy to smile like I'm actually happy when the truth is...not. I suck up. I mess up everything. I'm sorry I'm not good enough :( The negativity hurts right now but maybe just maybe it’s making me a fighter. I'm thinking that I need to 'don’t always have to pretend to be strong.' There’s no need to prove that all the time, everything is going well. I shouldn’t be concerned of what other people are thinking. Right? Cry if I need to. It’s good to cry out all your tears. Because then, will you be able to smile again. God is stirring something in my heart but I don't know what it is, how it’s going to get out, or what it will look like, but I trust that He’s a faithful God and He’ll reveal what needs to be revealed in His timing. Papa God save me. I don't want to continue messing up everything. I don't want to be weak again please make me a strong person right now. Send me your angel so that he can guide and cheer me up the way you did. I need you. I need you.
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