October 30, 2015 12:16 am
It's been 32 days since the last time we talked or should I say that night when he ended up everything and I'm still sober. I can still remember the night, the moment and the exact time when he said those words that broke me beyond repair. It feels like it just happened yesterday. That night, everything happened too fast I didn't even know how to catch my breath. I got speechless. I still can't believe that he uttered those words and hearing it from him was really... heartbreaking and dissapointing. (As if the word sorry can lessen the pains and disappointments. As If the word sorry can make things alright.) I'm desperately searching the guy that I used to know, the guy that used to made me smile, the guy that I got attached with, and the guy that I fell in love with behind the depth of those words but I couldn't see him. It's as if he disappears so easily just as he came and it's so saddening. I really didn't see that one coming. I didn't even know how to respond in a logical way. I didn't know what should I say, what should I think and what should I feel. That night I felt... numbed. In the amidst of shattered hopes, broken dreams and aching hearts I managed to say "okay". What should I say anyway? I managed to smile even though I badly wanted to cry. I can't fathom how much it hurts to be disappointed again to the guy whom you thought is the right one. I trusted him blindly. I gave in so easily and it's so silly for me to do that because, perhaps, that's the reason how it's so easy for him to said those words, how it's so easy for him to leave everything behind and how it's so easy for him to left me hanging. I understand his situation, I understand where he's coming from and I would never take that against him but some part of me still find it unfair. He's so unfair. He's my one and only true contradiction. He should've said it from the very beginning so I know where will I stand but he didn't so I left hoping and wanting for more. I wanted to give him an enough reason to stay, was I not enough reason for him to stay? He even said those three words before he left, was that an enough reason for him to stay?
There are so many questions left unanswered and each passing day I can't help but to hope that someday those questions will be answered. This curiosity is eating me alive. I'm a pessimist and I used to think negatively behind everything and if I'll answer those questions on my own I'll just end up hating him which isn't really fair. I don't want to hate him nor play the victim role because I know I have my fair share of mistakes. Did I give in too much or was I never enough? I wonder. I used to send such long text messages to him because in that way I felt free and I'm so comfortable telling him my thoughts and knowing it'll make him smile is more than enough for me but these days I don't even have the guts to say hi or hey. How ironic. Or maybe because I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore so the initial reaction would be to ignore him, right? He used to made me feel loved and cared but now I feel like I don't know him anymore. It sucks. God knows how much I wanted to talk to him, how much I wanted to fix everything, how much I wanted it all back but I know that he got nothing to do with me anymore so I'll just bury these thoughts alive. I don't know how long will it take for me to move on, I don't even know if I'll ever move on or if I'll love anyone as much as I love this guy. I love him so much that it scares me to open myself up with some other guy in the future because I know at the end of the day he's still the one I'll be looking for. I find it hard to cope but I'm trying my best to be okay. Nothing is impossible with God, everything happens for a reason and whatever's meant to be it will be and I hope someday I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll be okay.