How do we moved on from emotional pain, anyway? Were there really formulas or even tips to forget the pain and accept things with no hard feelings? The thing is emotional pain was something to be felt and it's worst than you could ever imagine. It's messy, hard and toxic to dealt with. I'm still on the long process of figuring how and why I need to keep moving forward.
It's been a hard process for me especially when I see his pictures and see how happy he is already. I thought to myself, "How was he able to move on that fast? Am I being replaced already? And why am I stuck here, grieving about losing him?" I cried every night, or whenever something triggers me to remember him. I tried forgetting everything but you can't really forget someone who gave you so much to remember, right?
Why do I feel like he's still hurting me even when we're already apart? I don't know if he's aware that I've been through a series of heartbreaks and him, so heartless, had the guts to add to it. I thought he was different but I thought wrong. I'm not mad at him for leaving me because I know that he would, eventually and like what I've said I would never take that against him. That's just how it is and I'm used on people leaving me hanging. I'm just angry because I let myself get hurt by him. Him, of all people. He's so kind-hearted and amazing. He's a nice guy, actually. He made me believe that something can be real, that something can actually last forever. Even though I'm scared I trusted him. But perhaps, I should've known better.
And now, I had to stop waiting. I had to let go of the fact that he and I will never get back together. That the "us" we had was never meant to last. That he was just another bridge to go through to get to the right one. And I hate it. I hate the story that was made for us. It was better not to have had it than to have had him and lose him.
I believe that some lovers don't end up together for the reason that they don't love each other anymore. It's the circumstances that come along and change the way it should've been because there are things that beyond our control. I still don't know what that circumstance will lead us to be but one thing's for sure though I loved him even before he knew it. I loved him more than he knew. I loved him even after he left. He left me with beautiful memories to treasure but he'd also left me with my heart shattered into pieces. And he left me with the fear of falling in love again. It's horrid but eventually, I'll find my way back. I'm on my way of picking up the shattered pieces and discovering my sources of strength and I won't let the thought of him get in the way. Because in the end, I've realized you're only going to have to be strong for yourself. No one will give a -sorry for the word- shit about you. No one will ask if you're truly okay, maybe your friends or your family are there to cheer you up but the truth is no one will care about your whereabouts but yourself.