November 04, 2015 11:09 pm
Something triggers me to remember him and once again I couldn't breathe. What was I even doing? I should stop myself wallowing from pity party and get my shit together like I always did, but some things you don't just easily forget. So here I am, thinking of everything that I had known to be true and everything that had turned out to be false.
I could still hear his comforting voice clearly in my head they loomed over and over like a broken recorder and each words cut strongly to the heart and it hurt. It hurt in a place that no form of physical torture ever could. His voice kept me anchored during our times but ironically speaking it is also the reason why I'm hurting right now. His words hit me like a tow truck, the impact stinging even after he left.
Right at this very moment, there are so many things I have to say but how could I even say them all? Sometimes there came a time when you got pushed too far and hurt too much, you just lost all resemblance of rationality. The rollercoaster emotions I had gone through was immense. overwhelming. And I didn't know what to think any more.
When you play with fire, you're bound to get burnt. And I did. I just forgot to wear fireproof gloves. I forgot to keep my heart safe. I can feel my alter ego shaking her head in disappointment. I can hear her voice saying "I told you so. I told you to be careful. I told you he was trouble. I told you he was dangerous, but you never listened." How right she was. I never listened to all the warnings, all the gleaming red flags that cautioned me to stay far far away from him. But during our moments, he used to be my anchored, he used to be the one who docked me at the harbour and made me feel safe.
There was nothing more I wanted than to pull his arms around my waist and slip into his embrace, because I missed him. I missed every bit of him. But the waves were now choppy and while I had craved for his company something had shifted between us. Nothing could ever bridge the vast ocean that separated us. And I pray I could be strong and desperately wished for me to be feisty, independent girl I always read about in novels but I just... wasn't. I will never be her, instead, I was stuck being with me.
I can't helped but to question everything. He, himself, had planted the seed of doubt in my mind and now I was second guessing everything. All that I had been through with him, every words exchange, every memories, every hope.
Maybe they had all been lies. Each and every single one of them. Could you put on such act for someone to make them believe that you cared? How good is someone at playing pretend? How good is someone at faking it? He, perhaps, was far too good for it. And while typing this, I wondered if he felt the same way I did, lost, confused, a feeling of entrapment so strong it was almost crushing.